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As society hurtles ever closer to the end of all manners, male behavior in particular is disintegrating at a rapid pace. Go out any evening, and you'll find one guy trying to get you and your best friend to kiss, another regurgitating on the sidewalk out front and another debating whether he'd rather eff the three-breasted alien from "Total Recall" or the blue, serpentine woman from "X-Men."
And so we're compelled to offer the following guy primer. Enjoy -- and then leave a comment letting us know what we left out.
Guys, if you're left wondering how to behave, check out these rules from our brother site Asylum.
Please, Just Stop
Urinate Look, maybe when you were a kid your mother thought it was adorable when you'd drop your little pants to take a pee in the backyard. But we're not your mother and the world isn't your lawn. Whip it in, boys.
Joits, Flickr
Regale Us With Tales of How Wasted They Got Last Night Guess who else has gotten totally smashed before? Everyone. You're boring and you smell like the floor. Shut up.
elisfanclub, Flickr
Say That They're Bringing the High Five Back (or that they're bringing anything "back" for that matter) I'm bringing disdain back...with a vengeance. Oh, and your tool box called...you got out again.
Sveden, Flickr
Talk About Fight Club This is a great book and movie that you ruin every time you open your mouth to say how much you'd like to join a fight club if only you hadn't just renewed your gym membership. You...are...Jack's...tiny...penis.
20th Century Fox, Fight Club
Say things like, "It's All Good" How about instead, you just say, "I'm not listening to you because I'm too busy thinking about the Phish bootleg I just bought on eBay"?
mstephens7, Flickr
Go Shirtless Look, this isn't an easy stance to take. Some of you guys look spectacular topless. But others...well, I just don't think we can afford to take chances anymore.
SFBart, Flickr
Refer to "Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool" or Any Other Euphemism for What They're Going to do in the Bathroom I also don't want to hear your blow by blow recount after you return from the bathroom. Call me uncultured that way.
nullboy, Flickr
Their Glenn Quagmire Impression Alright! Giggity! Giggity! Oh my god, you're, like, the FIRST guy I've ever heard do that! Do you like that one song from American Pie, too? You do? Oh, we simply MUST have a love affair!
slingshotshirts.com
Take a Magazine into the Bathroom at Work Do it at home. Do it at the sperm bank. Do not do it at the company that matches your 401(k).
dannyman, Flickr
Talk to Their Mothers What's the quickest way to a man's issues? Overhearing a phone call with mommy.
Kriegerinhummel, Flickr
Comments:
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Monday 02 March
By Dave
Sunday 01 March
By JohnNeutralReportPositiveNegative
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I did...twice. Should he run in 2012, I'll be pleased to vote for Jeb Bush. Any questions?
Yes. Why are you so stupid?
Reply
Monday 02 March
By person
Reading? Really? Men aren't supposed to read in public? A man reading is far more attractive than some jackass screaming his business into a cell phone in public. Or a grown man texting his bff because he can't stand to be alone with his thoughts for 2 minutes.
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Monday 02 March
By Josh
This is more like a list of pet peeves a huge lesbian dyke gets when they are on the rag. This article is bogus, blown out of proportion, and incredible distasteful to men. I've never heard anybody having a problem with someone taking a magazine to the f***ing bathroom, whoever wrote this trash belongs unemployed.
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Tuesday 03 March
By susan
I thank god I am not the younger generation. The mothers of this generation failed miserably when it comes to the manners they taught their sons.
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Tuesday 03 March
By Jane
What do you have against "On the Road" and other Kerouac novels? Honestly, he was a spectacular writer, and I wonder how many of his novels or poems you have actually read. I just started "On the Road" two days ago and I really love it so far. I think you are being overly critical of men, and I think the belittlement of the "naive college sophmore" stereotype is uncalled for. Who cares if a man is reading "On the Road" in public? No matter what his age, at least he is trying to educate himself! (even if he may seem a bit too old to be reading such a novel)
And by the way, I am a female high school student... not a male college student.. and I am still offended. I also think your list was pretty lame. You also clearly have man issues... and there is nothing wrong with proposing in public; it is sweet and romantic.
Reply
Wednesday 04 March
By Jen
Wasn't the point- reading out loud? not reading
Wednesday 11 March
By Jonathan
Being the uber-intelligent high school student as you are, you may have noticed that no where did the writer criticize Karouac's novel itself, but only the douchey guys who make it a point to read it in public to ensure that women notice him and find him deep and retrospective.
Generally, as a rule, if I'm going to comment on an article, I find it best to read it and comprehend it before recording an opinion for everyone to see on the internet.
Thursday 05 March
By me
stupid article
Reply
Wednesday 04 March
By HeatherW
I'm not being a smart-ass or anything like that but the picture of the hairy chested men....actually the harriest one...for some reason is seriously giving me "girl-wood". I am really turned on by this hairy man for some reason.
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Wednesday 04 March
By Jen
Why is everyone offended? THIS LIST IS TRUE! I am a hot girl and if I saw a guy do these things it would be a turnoff! Girls shouldn't do this either! You will be treated and judged how you act! At a party at home or with your beloved many things are fun and just fine, but when you are OUT it is best to mind your manners. Now if you are trying to REPEL women then please keep on.. this is true for both women and men- no sexism here
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Wednesday 04 March
By Jen
I just got to this site and I AM APPALLED! The list was a joke and is VERY mild mannered. There really isn't anything unexpected or that should hurt anyone's little boy feelings. I read comment after comment about dikes, lesbians, midol, bitches on their rags, etc. These are AWFUL things to say.
All of the women who agree with the article lead in by saying, "I am not a man-hater..", etc. and the men start posting every sexist comments. WTF? Why do you need to be a man hater to agree with the shit on the list? I love my man and I treat him with respect and dignity as he does to me. He would NOT do these things in public, but in private -who cares?
This list could have been things women shouldn't do in public, but it isn't so stop trying to find sexism in that. I would not be offended if the same exact list applied to my gender. If I saw girls doing these things they would seem dim-witted and immature (except the proposal thing).
Proposing in public can result in some false "yeses" to avoid embarrassment for the man.
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Thursday 05 March
By Jim
NO, Jen, I wasn't being sexist; perhaps you should look the term up for yourself. I said "particularly women" out of RESPECT for women. So, are you saying that you do not want to be respected by men while in their company? Or are you one of those women out there who actually gets into guys who act crude, belch loudly in public, spit anywhere they choose, dig inside their noses (some women included on that one) along with pissing on the sidewalk for all to see? Tell me, toots, because I'd really like to know; I mean, women are always bitching and sending out all of these mixed signals about male crudeness, lack of respect, etc., so I, for one, have tried to oblige. Are you now saying that there's a new breed of woman out there who enjoys this disrespectful and flat-out uncouth behavior from guys? Or perhaps maybe you're one of those strange women out there who likes abuse and loves to play the victim, over and over again, ass-beating after ass-beating? My point is that I was raised to respect all women, along with respect for others in general. This would include gross or seemingly sexually offensive displays in public, INCLUDING a guy walking around and constantly grabbing his crotch. Oh, you neo-Nazi feminists! When we're right we're wrong, when we're wrong we may as well be dead. There's just no satisfying women like you, PERIOD.
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Friday 06 March
By diane
okay soo some of the crap was hilarious.the rest was well crap.youre either single or a lesbo cuz apparently you dont like dudes.wow!!they're retarded sometimes we all know but they still make us laugh && feel good.love em no matter wat.
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Saturday 07 March
By leno
Everything about this article is a waste. This comment is a waste.
Reply
Tuesday 10 March
By Damian
This article is ridiculous. Men, just like women, have some form of shame and dignity and to be so ignorant to generalize a male stereotype should be punished by the removal of whatever qualification you had to write this debauchery of the art of journalism (assuming you had one).
Reply
Wednesday 11 March
By Jonathan
Let me tell you, I'm a bit of a beta male myself, and I do at least 9 of these things regularly, and the only thing more enjoyable than being a total douchebag in public, is having an attractive and good-humored writer lampoon me for my drunken antics. If only more AOL members would take the collective sticks out of their asses and recognize humor when they see it, the world would be a better place. I salute you, Carol, and take great pride at laughing at all of the AOL nay-sayers! Maybe these people would be better suited reading Bill O'Reilly's blog!
Reply
Thursday 12 March
By teajade
Carol.... the only "no-no" here is your stupid "Things Guys Shouldn't Do in Public" .
You are either a really bitter, narrow minded, know it all woman or you are just plain dumb to make all those kind of assumptions.
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Friday 13 March
By Sebastian
Does anyone else see a late 30something sitting at home, ALONE, still dressed as though it's Sex in The City turn of the Millenium, and she's the failed writer who didn't get to write Carrie Bradshaw's Column?
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Tuesday 17 March
By erj210
Oh great, another one of these man bashing articles. While I won't contest that some guys behavior is not atrocious, I 'll also will tell you this, you gal's ain't help'n. As one of the guys who doesn't act like a jerk, I see were that type of behavior gets guys...DATES! You girls are constantly looking at those guys as if they have something to offer, and the more you do it, the more guys want to do it. Any guy who acts like he has a since of dignity and pride, you reject. They're to homey, to mommas boy-ish, to nerdy. I've heard it all. And you women can't say anything ether. Since when was it proper for a girl, in the middle of class to all the randomly belt out the lines to some song as if she has some sort of condition, or to chew gum so loud you can hear it across an entire room. Since when was it okay for women to walk around flashing guys at every turn (okay, self admittedly, this only happens in places I've had yet to find, but its well documented) or for these butt tattoos, and these thongs, or these pants that are barely there. Since when is it okay for woman to start blurting out their period business out in the middle of a public room because she's PMS'ing. You talk about guys urinating in public, I've seen sober girls to that. To go down your own list, I've heard or scene girls: talk about how wasted (or laid [or laid on their period]) they got last night, also mentioning how 'oh, your going over to X, well get me Y while your there,' talk about fashion designers no one has heard of, use the 'oh, your a guy,' or 'be a man,' excuse to justify ripping us off, I think I've already commented on tops, and I know I've already mentioned the can...toilet, your should be best friend you just happen to be ripping one into behind her back impression, say your going to the bathroom, just to spend hours doing God knows what (and it doesn't take ten minutes to change a tampon), and talk to ones mother...let me see any women who doesn't talk to their mothers...or mother's who don't want to talk to YOUR children, I'll skip reading for now, you girl's have 'my bad' down more than any guy does (honestly, I know no guy who's ever said that), playing the field...which I discovered is always okay for a girl to date more than one man at a time than visa-versa, require that we come up with some sort of pet name for you; you say no to the big proposal, yet I've seen a lot of female drool over the events of the big proposal, and who act like simple doesn't cut it anymore; not to mention the only wanting to date 'successful guys,' which takes us back to the book. So females, before you start bashing us, take a long look in the mirror.
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Wednesday 18 March
By Sean
JESUS...chill out girls! Someones got sticks up their asses. There are lots of things women shouldn't do in public either; Breast feeding, chatting with their boyfriends forever on their cellphones, nagging nagging nagging, PDA, dragging us around shopping when we CLEARLY don't wanna go. etc. etc.
Luckily my girlfriend doesn't pull that crap, she drinks beer, doesn't nag, doesn't yell, she doesn't play games, she plays video games, hates the idea of marriage, doesn't want children, watches baseball, hates shopping. BUT, she likes to cook, (very good cook) and presents herself nicely. I wish more women were like that.
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