For a military wife or girlfriend, there's no better day than the one when your guy comes home from deployment. But once he does, what can you expect from your relationship?

He's seen and experienced things that you can't relate to. You've been at home worrying. Falling back into your old routine can be surprisingly tough, even for the most in-love couples.

Welcome Home
People have a lot of preconceptions about reuniting, which can add extra pressure to the reconnection phase. On the plus side, there's usually a giddy honeymoon period.

"About a month or two before they return, everyone freaks out about whether or not they gained weight, need a hair cut, need self-tanner," laughs Karen, whose husband, Bob, was deployed for 18 months in Iraq in June 2006. "The good thing is that you get that excited feeling like back when you were dating. And when you do finally see him you're totally overcome with emotion. And then he crashes and sleeps for 24 hours."

Your Life Changes
You may have to give up some of that single-gal independence you've cultivated. "When Bob got home, I had to totally readjust the schedule I'd gotten used to," says Karen. "Yogurt was totally acceptable for dinner when he was away, but not anymore. And all those little things I let go -- the ding in the car, the broken gutter -- Bob totally noticed them."

Click here for other -- harder -- adjustments.



The adjustment can be harsher, too. "At first, many couples experience a feeling of being disconnected from their partner, or that their partner is a different person," says Candice Monson, Ph.D., who specializes in couples coping with PTSD at the National Center for PTSD. "Sex often dwindles, and because irritability is high, conflicts flare up."

Karen noticed that Bob's speech had changed: "He was totally staccato. He would answer questions in a really short and choppy way. He was almost robotic." After she confided in a friend, she realized that he had become so accustomed to giving and receiving commands that he wasn't used to regular speech patterns. In war, brevity is key.

Once they talked about it, Bob was able to move past it. But just how do you talk about something so sensitive?

The Dos and Don'ts of Reacting:

DON'T be shy about talking. It's easy to assume that your partner wants to avoid the subject of war and what he or she experienced there. But they are triggered by things every single day, so asking them about how they are feeling won't be any worse.

DO get educated. Learn about your partner's experience so that you can be an active part of their acclimation. Read up on the signs of PTSD (below) so you know what kind of behavior to watch out for. Monson encourages couples to come in together for therapy, and treats it as a couple's problem.

DON'T take it personally. "It's easy to personalize the issues, especially in this reunion time when the anticipation of resuming the relationship is high," says Monson. Don't automatically assume that you've fallen out of love and that it's irreparable.

DO help him cope. Do things together that will help get your partner back into "regular" life, that don't involve self-medicating. If you're feeling distant, try initiating a date night, or encourage routines like cooking dinner together or going for a run on the weekends.

DON'T help him avoid. Alcohol is the classic antidote, and that can create tons of other problems.

DO talk and talk and ... talk some more. Offering support is the single most important part of their recovery. "If you're wondering about whether or not to ask them a question, ask it," says Monson.

DON'T be afraid to ask for help. "There is still so much stigma associated with therapy," says Monson, "but the longer you wait to get help, the longer you could be suffering." If symptoms don't get better in six months of their return, it's time to seek some help (see below for symptoms of PTSD)

When It's Not Getting Better
Approximately 1.6 million soldiers have served in Afghanistan and Iraq since October 2001, and of this number, about 20 percent have shown symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or major depression. Untreated, this can affect not just your relationship but your safety, as there is often an overlap between PTSD and domestic violence.

If you see these symptoms of PTSD in your guy, he may have something more serious going on:

1. Reliving the event. Memories of traumatic situations can come back any time, and can be triggered by sights and sounds that remind your partner of the event.

2. Feeling numb. It might be harder than usual for him to express his feelings, and he avoids relationships or the people close to him.

3. Hyperarousal. He acts and feels very jittery and is always on the lookout for danger. He may be easily startled and have a hard time sleeping or concentrating.

PTSD is a fairly treatable condition, and even with a short stint of help, most people get better. Short courses of talk therapy and learning coping skills can make a huge difference.

If you live in the Boston area, Monson is currently recruiting couples to participate in a Couples PACT study for couples in which one partner has PTSD.

For more information, check out these great resources:
The Military Family Network
Gift From Within
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Gateway
National Center for PTSD (part of the VA)
Military OneSource
AOL Health

Karen says that despite all the adjustments, having her guy home is worth all of the changes. "I feel that as a couple, if we got through this then we can get through anything," she says. "He's a little quicker to anger now, but at the same time, I feel safer than I've ever been."