Dem: Sexual Assaults Allow Military 'Culture To Continue'
'DWTS' Shakeup Ahead?
You probably give better advice than most paid advice columnists, right? Well, our friend Leif is ready to take you up on that. Leave a comment with your advice.Leif's question: "I dated a girl for a few months before eventually breaking it off because it didn't seem to be going anywhere. A month after breaking up, we ran into each other and -- because the sexual part of our relationship was always great -- began having a casual-sex relationship. It was made clear that neither of us wanted to reestablish a relationship.
"This went on for a bit, but after a while she started to lose it. She would claim to have her feelings hurt by little things I said, and decided we shouldn't see each other any more.
"We still haven't really talked about it yet, even though she claims she will eventually get over it and be my friend again. What gives? Why did she flip out? Is it possible for two adults to have an honest, friendly, respectful sexual relationship without it getting emotionally complicated?"
Ladies, let's help him out. Is it really possible to do the "no-strings" thing? Let him know in the comments.
About our Charity Case: Leif works as a wine importer and enjoys making music most people call "weird." He enjoys cooking and eating great food and wine -- and great company. Leif's also ready to prove that you don't have to be a girl to really get down with Riesling.
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Wednesday 04 February
By amdela80
Yes, women are capable of NSA relationships - I've had a few myself. But your woman was not capable. My guess? She wanted to be back with you, and the only way, at first, to do so, was to agree to a booty call arrangement with you. Yes, you were honest, and you thought she was, but she prolly wasn't, seeing as how she freaked out. My guess? She's mad that you really only want what you say, and you don't want to be with her again. You might want to move along before the manipulations and games get worse.
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Wednesday 04 February
By Susan Kuchinskas
Sure, it's possible to enjoy casual sex as much as men, but it's just not as likely. Your friend-with-bennies got hijacked by her brain chemistry. Everyone -- male and female -- releases oxytocin when they orgasm (and also during other pleasurable skin contact). Oxytocin, in addition to being a hormone of engorgement, is the neurochemical of bonding.
Here's the practical joke Mother Nature played on us: Estrogen increases oxytocin's bonding effect, while testosterone mutes it.
When a woman takes part in a casual-sex relationship, she needs to understand that she may begin to feel bonded. If she reminds herself that it's just the oxytocin talking, she may be able to intellectually redefine the bond. Or not.
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Thursday 05 February
By ak
Why the heck would we ? Hey bud no heart,no money,no deal. Make friends with the HAND!!!
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Friday 06 February
By Erica
I'm sure many of us would like to think, "of course we can!" WRONG! It's not in our genetic makeup! Woman fool themselves into thinking I can do this, I don't care about him. Yeah, you don't care right up until the point that someone else catches his attention. We are vain and selfish creatures. We want men on our terms and to hell with what they want or think. But burn us and my god it's the end of the world and your satan! So my guess and best advice would be don't mix someone you expect to be friends with, genuine friends, and sex. It just never ends well.
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Friday 06 February
By Annaliese
Critical piece of information left out: How long did the casual thing go on?
Women are totally capable of NSA casual sex, but it sounds like this was more of a 'friends with benefits' situation. And yes, people get 'hurt' by their friends. If you spent time with her in addition to 'sex' that's your problem right there.
If you continue to sleep with the same person again and again, the hormones in your body tell you you're in love. So no, it's not possible, really - for either sex.
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Friday 06 February
By Sonya
I Agree with the comment below 100%
Women are capable of having NS A, but yours wasnt .. some women can and are great at it. For her to get back with you she needed to be like you and hoped you would eventually change later.. but some women dont understand men are as easy as it gets... MOST i would say 80% of men say exactly what they mean, and about 95% of women overthink.. which causese them think when you say something you really mean something else... anyway i wont ramble anymore.. NSA women were out there.. just gotta look harder than taking the first bait...
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Friday 06 February
By linda
he looks like a fucktard
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Friday 06 February
By Jayne
Susan K hit the nail on the head. The female bonding via oxytocin dates back to our caveman days and served back then to cause a woman to want to stay with a protector and food-supplier, mainly for the survival of any offspring. It really doesn't serve any purpose today except to make us act like idiots, as Leif's girlfriend did. Wish I could say this knowledge was only academic in nature, but I've been there myself many times. Learning about the chemical bonding was enormously freeing, because, hey, I like a good baggage-free fuck as much as any man!
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Saturday 07 February
By R.
We defn can.. but it shouldn't have started out as more than that.. better to save booty for those relationships marked as "booty-safe" targets; specifically where there is a sexual attraction that draws you together but a mutual mental objection that keeps you apart. When a relationship ends, a little bit of space is needed to make clear the need for disajoinment for both partners. You probably had a good deal of space from her and she was still a little too emotionally close to the recent breakup. There are so many people in the world- when one relationship doesn't work out I don't go back on tour with it- I don't feel like you can really keep your eye on the next, (and with any luck, better) target. Bottom line, booty calls with ex's are unnecessary and, more times than not, a brewing disaster.
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Saturday 07 February
By Brit
I can't speak for all women here, but for me personally, i can't do it... I have tried a few times and it just never seems to work out. As annoying as it sometimes is, I just cannot have a sexual relationship with out feelings somehow gettin involved... But then again I'm kind of an emotional person in general so hey maybe some girls can do it... sorry probably not great advice at all!!!!
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Sunday 08 February
By suez
HELLO! no one knows what the "little things " he said were.
He may have been leading her on, sending text or emails with"love" .
or putting her down ,degrading her for being a "booty call"
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Sunday 08 February
By Judy
I don't understand, does he love her and want her back, or does he just want a bootie call when he wants one? Well buddy if you love the girl then prove it to her with out the urging of the public here, it just makes you look like a coward. If you don't love her enough for marriage then too bad, I personally would not want to be your pimp to collar this gal into a ssituation that no real woman wants to be in. You really think that this woman just wants to be your bootie slave at your whims, without a comittment from you? It sounds like she has a lot more respect for herself, where you have no respect for anyone, at all. And it could be that is what she finally picked up on it from you and to gracefully let you down, to just say she was upset with you, to back you off. You are so lucky she didn't just up and "lock and load on you", by saying I do love you honey but we need to cool it a bit, because I am HIV positive and i don't want to hurt you. That would take care of you foolish ways, would it not? Shape it up fool and act like a responsible man.
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Sunday 08 February
By Jenny
I'm not sure you need any more help from me because most of these posts have been pretty dead-on. But I did want to add a few things. I think it's interesting that you said the relationship ended because it "didn't seem to be going anywhere." Where, exactly, did you want it to go? Seems like a more honest statement would be that you just didn't like her enough to continue seeing her, regardless of the "great" sex. So I'm guessing you ended it, not her. Just a guess, but an educated one. If that's the case, then you have the responsibility to let her go and let her be. To later confuse the issue with sex is irresponsible and negligent on your part. I believe that whoever ended the relationship has the duty to be fair and honest in their actions regarding the breakee. By opening the door again to ANY possibility of a future with the other person is, simply, cruel. Yeah, sure, she said it was an NSA agreement but that was bullsh*t and you knew it. Face it, in your gut, you knew. You also knew she was a sure thing and wouldn't require a lot of "work" to get her in the sack. So to play dumb and act all victim-like is offensive and immature. Okay, so maybe you didn't really know. Now you do. So if you do the same thing again, you are only being manipulative and misleading. I would say the same thing to a woman who pulled this age-old, worn out stunt. If you want a purely NSA relationship, hire a hooker for the night and let sleeping dogs, and past relationships, lie. There are so many other fishies in that sea.
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Sunday 08 February
By AC
Some women yes, some women no. If you really want to understand better, I recommend you read "unhooked" by Laura Sessions Stepp. My school is very engaged in the hook-up culture (which your post refers to indirectly) and this hits it dead on why women can and can't deal and has helped my guy friends avoid problems such as yours since. Enjoy.
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Tuesday 10 February
By Begoddenmist
it is possible for women to be friends with benfit with a guy but only if they really Understand that thats all it is.If a women really wants to get back with you they may go along with casual sex thing but at some Point they will flip cause in all reality thats not what they realy want.and if the girl is already crazy it Prob not smart to get in to any relationship of any sort with that person
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Wednesday 11 February
By Melody
Anything is possible. I think majority of the time you can do it but only for a limited amount of time. After awhile a sense of bonding will occur and she'll begin to feel jaded when you don't share her feelings. I think if you just want to hook up with someone it should be with someone that is not a friend and if you don't want a relationship you should limit yourself to only being with them once maybe twice. Oh an be up front about your intentions. Nothing hurts more than being tricked and used.
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Wednesday 11 February
By Meridith
i think no strings attached is tricky. a booty-call should have absolutely no strings, no relationship out of the bedroom. so given this definition, a full relationship has all the strings. as for anything in between, now thats where people get in trouble.
i dont think anyone can be friends with benefits (fwb) for long before one person wants more than the other and that causes the getting hurt by things you say/dont say, do/dont do. in any fwb relationship there are some strings, regardless of what is said. those things just have to be spelled out in the beginning to avoid any hurt feelings.
my advice is simple.... stick to the full-on relationships or with the sex-only booty call. the gray areas in between with get you in trouble no matter what.
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Monday 23 November
By Miryana
Well, the problem with women is the following, I believe: At first just sex sounds ok. But as time passes by the woman starts questioning herself if things are not getting serious. Why? Whats wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me enough to be my boyfriend? Maybe not even necessarily liking this person a lot, they will start pushing for more, just to prove to themselves it is possible, and they are GREAT. At the end, it is not unlikely for them to dump the guy, realising that it was just a self-reassurance game. But if they get nowhere, like in your case, they freak out.
On a different note, I am not sure that you didn't want anything more out of it, since you spend time to ask the question???
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Tuesday 20 July
By Christi
It's hard not to get attached if not impossible....Take this from someone who ended up dating their FWB. We're engaged now.
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