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I'm going to come clean about something that I feel like I've been hiding from everyone. I used to weigh 240 lbs. Through a lot of work, I got down to 140 lbs. I looked like a friggin' rock star, and I felt fantastic and loved the way I looked. But maintaining that loss proved to be a lot harder than I expected. After three years the weight crept back on, and now the scale has gone up, way up.

Oprah's weight gain has been a huge topic in the news, and I couldn't have related more. It's embarrassing and humiliating to put the pounds back on. I hate to go out in public. I don't want to be seen. I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me and thinking, "What happened???" (Maybe that's because I'm looking at me and thinking, "What happened?") I want to be hot, sexy and skinny. I want to feel like a rock star and look like a rock star. I want my size 6 jeans to fit me again.

I could blame my mother's cancer, or being laid off, or the fact that my dog ran away, or that I quit smoking. All of these are triggers for my eating disorder, and lovely excuses, but the truth is that there's a bigger issue at the heart of the problem.

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Accepting the Problem
I'm an expert at losing weight. I know exactly what to do. I know what to eat, what not to eat, when and where all the local support groups meet, how to exercise, which vitamins to take and which friends I can call to talk about it. It's not a lack of information, knowledge, resources or support.

It's an eating disorder. It's an addiction. It's something that will follow me for the rest of my life and if left untreated could eventually kill me.

I'm through believing that something inside me will change and I'll be a skinny princess from that point on. It's not going to happen. I may lose the weight again, and I may gain it again -- many more times.

Considering the Options ... and Outfits
I know that I need to be kind to myself, especially now, but I have a job interview next week and I don't want to go because I feel gross. I don't have anything to wear, and I don't feel good about my appearance. It's not going to keep me from going and looking as good as I can. I'm going to do my best, but I can't pretend that it doesn't affect my self-esteem.

I'm not looking to be skinny or anything, just to be healthy and feel good about myself and the way I look. I know that I'm an amazing, special, unique person with a lot to offer the world, but I want to see that person in the mirror when I go into the bathroom.

The Solution..?
When you blog, it's easy to pretend that you look like a picture that was taken three years ago -- I kind of feel like I'm living a blog lie. I don't have some game plan that I'm starting this week. I guess the game plan is to talk about it, face the reality and see what happens.

I would definitely like to hear what you have to say on the matter. Have you lost the weight only to gain it back again? How do you get motivated to lose the weight again (and again and again)? How do you keep it off for good? How do you make real changes in your life that last?

To do: I don't know.