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Veronica Cho: Dear G20 Leaders
You probably give better advice than most paid advice columnists, right? Well, our friend Pete is ready to take you up on that. Leave a comment with your advice.Pete's question: I once found a girl who was into being taken out for dancing and supper, and just trying to live up to the whole gentleman/lady relationship (wear a nice dress and I'll wear a suit) that I was looking for. But it didn't work out.
We ended pretty amicably, and now it's tough to find someone who understands that it's not offensive if I pull out a chair for you, walk on the curbside or hold a door. I fully trust that you can do it, I just want to do it for you. Did I really exhaust the list of women who respect a man with manners at one?
Ladies, let's help him out. Do girls hate a guy with manners? Should chivalry be dead?
About our Charity Case: Pete works as a researcher and "makes science" (his words). He likes sugary pop music, enjoys eating breakfast sandwiches and knows more about boxing that 10 grandpas put together. He's also really great with kids.
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Tuesday 20 January
By Div
I would love it if a guy did all those things ... Its the little gestures that often unnoticed gestures that seperate you from the rest of the jerks ...
So keep up being the gentleman you are and I promise you will find the right girl very soon ...
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Tuesday 20 January
By Reese
Actually, yes and no.
Chivalry is not dead. It just has a time and place that isn't so clearly defined. Specifically, on a date, the number one thing you want to shoot for is comfort. Comfort with the person you're out with, with the situation, location, etc. Pulling a chair out for a lady will often send the wrong message because it's taken out of context. It says to her; "I like you, I'm trying to be extra nice to you." Upon which most any woman will think; "Okay...what's wrong with you?"
If you want to be chivalrous, exude confidence, but don't be afraid to be poke some fun at yourself. Make sure she's comfortable with you, and how the date is going before trying something like the chair pull.
If you want to come off as charming and funny when you say "My lady!" and bowing. Make sure you've established a baseline for that quirky charm. Start off light, smile a lot, and make sure she's smiling too. If not, it's probably not going to fly.
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Tuesday 20 January
By Jen
Chivalry is dead because if the feminists- they programed women to think that they cannot be equal to men if they allow men to do anything for them. They never thought to tell you that it is in a man's insticts to protect his 'mate' or for that matter future mate and that it is in our nature as women to want to be protected. It doesn't make us less whole, or unequal, or incapable, it is merely the distinctive differences between men and women that we should celebrate.
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Tuesday 20 January
By Julia
It is not so much the action that can be off-putting, as you pointed out, but the idea communicated. She may think you treat her like she's helpless (which is the attitude that most of those behaviors sprang from), or that you are being domineering (the attitude that kept those behaviors part of our culture for so long). Or that you are "too good to be true" (making her suspicious).
If you are uncertain, you can always say so. Hold the door, and after you both pass through, say, "I never know how a woman will take that." Be sure to smile sincerely when you say it.
It may surprise you that women are in the same quandry. Do we wait for the door to be held (at the rish of looking like a demanding "princess"), or do we get it ourselves (man-hating bitch). Expressing that dilemma at the time can do both of you a great service, and help end the awkwardness.
And it's a great conversation starter! ;o)
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Tuesday 20 January
By amdela80
Chivalry better not be dead! If I'm with a guy, I don't open doors myself, I expect them to open them, and then I very politely smile and say thank you. I insist on good manners, especially from a date, but then again, I also have very good manners.
A lot of people aren't raised with good manners anymore, and some things may be a bit offputting to women. I'd go with what the others recommended - crack a joke about it. When you open her car door for her, smile, and say "I know this is uncomfortable for some women, but my mother insisted on good manners - what can I do?", shrug, and keep up the good work :)
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Wednesday 21 January
By Katie
I'm from the South, and as far as I'm concerned, chivalry is far from dead. In my opinion, and the opinion of most of my girlfriends, we know full and well that we can open our own doors, pull out our own chairs, carry our own things, etc..., but we prefer for a GENTLEMAN to do it for us, because it shows a sense of respect. And what girl doesn't want to be a princess? In my opinion, keep up the good work, because there are few gentlemen left. You'll find a girl who will definitely appreciate it.
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Wednesday 21 January
By HeatherW
Maybe its because so many men start out doing these things just to impress you so they can sleep with you....but after that, you're on you're owne...get your owne door and hurry up I wonder if this last lady knew that it made you feel good to do things for her? Maybe she's been burned so many times she didn't think it was sincere. OR maybe she was nuts. It's so hard to tell now days weather a man is just a really great guy (because as most of us know, that can only last a short time), or if he's just trying to get in your pants. I got one of the good ones :). Just keep being who you are and you WILL find a woman who appreciates you for that
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Thursday 22 January
By Kayla Sams
I think more guys need manners...
I would love to be treated like a QUEEN...
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Thursday 22 January
By Venessa
Who wouldnt to be treated like a lady? Thats something that i will never understand. There are all these new age, "independant" women out there that drive me nuts with the notion that they want to have total control. I mean, im all for running your own life, and not letting a man (or anyone else for that matter) tell you how you should be living your life. Its no wonder there are men out there that have a hard time trying to figure out how a woman wants to be treated. Dont you think that makes the man feel helpless?
Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and since the day we met, he's been opening doors for me (the car door included), pulls out my chair etc, and he's never faltered on that once. Come to think of it, the very first boyfriend i ever had did all those things for me too...(and never once did i ever EXPECT a man to do that for me )i guess thats a quality i look for in a man..who wouldnt want a man show you that kind of respect? i
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Thursday 22 January
By Jillian
This guy is a dream for most women & if they don't like being treated like a lady then they are not use to a man treating them that way! This is still plenty of women that would love this treatment from a man & someday soon I hope you do meet that perfect woman that will treat you will love & respect- I do agree with the comment that a lot of men just never were taught the proper manners-trust me I know as I am with one right now & wish I had a man just like Pete he is also very good looking-all those qualities all rolled up together = perfect man,give it time & that ladie you are looking for will be in your life & hope you finf true love,a soul mate is not easy to find but when you do all your dreams will come true ! Good luck & never give up on love !
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Thursday 22 January
By Jillian
This guy is a dream for most women & if they don't like being treated that way is probably that they just aren't use to it ! There is still plenty of women that would loved to be treated this way & sooner or later you will meet that person. I wish you all the best & never give up on love-everyone has a soulmate somewhere out there & I hope you find her soon ! I do agree with the comment that some people have never been taught manners, I know this first hand as I am with one that I have actually felt is more like a child sometimes as I am always having to mention small things such as cover your mouth when you cough-etc. Best of luck to you Pete in your journey of finding a wonderful woman that will appreciate you the way you are !
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Friday 23 January
By JuL
I love a man with manners! There is nothing better, but on the other had I feel bad when a man is being too nice going out of his way to open the car door. Some women might think it's just an act and that he just wants some at the end of the night, in which case you would just have to prove them wrong.
Also aside from the feeling bad I am no question about it a feminists but I also believe the we should be equal and by you going too much out of your way doesn't make it feel equal, I almost feel like I should feel superior or like you're putting me on a pedestal that I can't live up to.
All I can say is keep doing it and if she's truly into you and gives you the time then she will also she you're reasoning and that you truly are one of those rare nice guys. If I weren't already with someone I would totally give you the time of day!! :o)
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Friday 23 January
By Nita
Absolutely.....It is a plus if a guy displays chivalry. Real women actually appreciate when a guy does those things. Keep doing what you're doing and the right one will appreciate it.
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Friday 23 January
By Nae
Absolutely, it is a plus when men act with chivalry. When a guy does those things it separates him from others. I prefer for a man to do those things b/c it makes you feel special. Keep doing what you're doing and the right one will appreciate it when she comes along :)
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Friday 23 January
By kp
PETE, NEVER believe that stupid rumor about how women don't like "nice" guys. I'm around your age, give or take (so I don't come from the traditional chivalrous generation) and I still appreciate the pulling out of the chair, or holding of the door. My fiancee and I have been together 4 years and he STILL opens my car door for me every time, and now that I've been with a man like that, I don't think I'd be happy with it any other way. I'm a tough chick, I can take care of myself,...but I still love that he wants to take care of me.
Hope this helps.
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Friday 23 January
By Cindy
Ok I'm not a thirty something, just a little farther over the hill than perhaps some of your readers. That said, I will say that when I was going through my headstrong feminist days (and no I haven't become a "sell out" - I consider myself an intelligent, likeable woman who desires respect like everyone else) I did not like it when a guy opened a door for me or pulled out my chair - that kind of thing. Although, interestingly enough, I never seemed to mind much when they paid the bill for dinner, movies, etc. Today, I enjoy having a man do those little things for me because I now consider it more like a respect thing. First off, he knows I can do those things for myself but chooses to do them for me. If I was a guy, I might have a little anxiety on a first date (not that there's not already enough) about whether or not to do those little polite things. My advise is that good manners and respect are never out of date so go with it! Just don't be condescending or treat me like a "little woman". The worst kind of date for me is the guy who thinks he is doing me a favor by going out with me, looks at all the other women in the room, brags about himself and the last straw is when he starts bashing his ex wife or girlfriend. Good Luck!
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Saturday 24 January
By bumula
If a girl is going to act like a cow, treat her like a cow. But if she acts like a lady, then treat her like a lady. Mother was right. There's a certain type of girl men date and there's a certain type they marry. I never dated a guy who did not open a door for me. But to be fair if I asked a guy out, I would offer to pay ,or at least go Dutch, which only happened rarely. Today I am happily married to a man that still opens doors, holds my chair and helps me in and out of my coat. Chivalry is certainly not dead in my home. (I guess I should thank my in-laws)
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Sunday 25 January
By Trish
That would be so nice. So few guys do it.
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Sunday 25 January
By cleo
I say if a woman feels like you are treating her like she is helpless just because you pull a chair out for her, then you don't need to be with anyone like that. There are some good women out there who would kill for a guy with manners. I believe women who have a problem with a guy like that have a big ego problem and a guy shouldn't dumb down his kind actions just to get a girl. Don't worry, I'm quite sure you can meet someone who will appreciate the kind things you do.
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Sunday 25 January
By Lee
Reminds me of one time I took a lady out . I practically chased her around the table trying to hold her chair. She thought I was trying to take the seat. I finally told her what I was doing and she sat down. After that I explained to her that I was taught that gentlemen do that, and open car doors, and all those kinds of things. I told her that if she wasn't being treated like a lady then she was hanging out with the wrong crowd. We went out a few more times and she let me open the door and hold her chair, etc. Other things intervened and we parted company. Too bad, I could have married that lady.
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