WATCH: What Goes Into A Woman's Decision To Freeze Her Eggs
B.J. Epstein: Down With the Matriarchy? What Matriarchy?
You probably give better advice than most paid advice columnists, right? Well, our friend John is ready to take you up on that. Leave a comment with your advice.John's question: "I have two kids who I love dearly, and I'm separated from my wife. More often than not, ladies seem to bail when this comes up in conversation. Should I wait longer to drop this bomb in hopes that they'll dig me more and feel more committed to me? Or should I bring it up early on so we don't waste our time?"
Ladies, let's help him out. Should John fess up about his parental status straightaway, or take some time before he breaks the news?
About our Charity Case: John (pictured here with his four-year-old daughter) works as a handyman. He lives in upstate N.Y. and loves hitting up swimming holes and picking berries in the summer. His favorite kinds of dogs are mutts.
Comments:
Add a comment
Tuesday 06 January
By juanita
it's not the "parental" status. it's the "separated." ie, "still married."
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By Gina
Juanita, ur absolutely right. He's not "unmarried". That scares women off more.
Monday 12 January
By Jill
I totally agree, Juanita. Seperated is still married. Maybe he should worry about his marrital status BEFORE he meets a woman. THEN, if she's worthy, children shouldn't be a problem.
Tuesday 06 January
By Kristina
You should be upfront with it as soon as possible, to weed out those to whom children would be a deal-breaker. You never know, the upfront honesty might bring out honesty in the women as well - some of them might have kids too, and have the same quandry about telling that you do.
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By Terri
Are you joking? You're not "breaking news" that you have an std, or that you have some abnormality that makes you fart 24/7 or something. You are letting people know that you have two beautiful little humans of your own! Hello?? Where's your brain!? If someone isn't interested/ not looking to conquer children, dating them while hiding your love for your children isn't going to make that person stick around with you after a few dinner dates, nothing will make someone stick around if you have kids and they do not want them. Talking about your kids should come up as simple as... Hi.. I'm John, Father of Two, Love dogs, long walks on the beach etc etc (the walks on the beach seems to be the dating quote of all time)... However you should be able to insert "divorced" Father of two, or at minimum be separated and in the middle of a divorce. Frankly until you have a year of singledom under your belt (out of the same house as the ex/or soon to be ex) you have no business dating anyone anyhow..
You do not have a plague, you have children. Lastly, telling people you have children is one thing, and a good thing, offering a swinging door of new faces for your kids to meet is another and horrible to do! When you find a good person whom enjoys the fact that you have children, wait at least 6 months prior to having your kids meet that person..
Reply
Friday 09 January
By jen
There are a lot of single mothers upstate so I'm surprised it's such an issue.
Be upfront, introduce it into the conversation in an upbeat way. Afterall it's the best thing in your life so don't hide it. A man who loves his children and is a responsible father is a great thing. Whatever you do don't wait to bring it up.
Thursday 08 January
By Kathie
Tell them right away! If they don't like it, you deserve better!
Also, the separated thing is a problem too.
Email me! 10dolphin@gmail.com
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By donna
Be upfront! However, if all you do is talk about your kids, you are sending up a red flag. A women needs to feel like she is important. If you constanly talk about "my kid did this or my kid did that." any women in her right mind would run away. She needs to know you are a commited Dad and not a slacker. At the same time she needs to feel that you have time to give to her too.
Some women love kids, so no problem! Others do not feel the same way. Better to put it on the table to find out where a women stands. Date for at least 6 months before you have your kids and your dream girl meet. Even if you met someone, had sex on the first date and she got pregnant, you still have 9 months to get to know eachother. Easy does it! Find a Balance!
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By Dennis McIntosh
Well you should always be upfront with anyone you are talking to. If you are not divorced yet, then your still married, most woman do not like that so get a divorce then go looking, your doing it all backward, i you love your children then you should try to work it out with your wie before trying to find another. You seem like a nice guy, so go home to wiey and make the kids day
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By Jennifer
The women here are pretty much spot on. Immediate disclosure on the kids is not a negotiating point.
And, uh - wait until you're divorced before you start dating.
Kids are wonderful and nothing to be ashamed of, but dishonesty is!
Reply
Thursday 08 January
By Tom
hey man i was in the same boat. im 23 and i have two wonderful kids who mean the entire world to me. they motivate me to do good at work and to be completely honest i wouldnt be where i am if it wasnt for them. im very successful. i make jus under 6 figures without any college. and its all for them. i to am seperated but still legally married but i was lucky enough to find a woman who loves me for me and not for my money or any other reason. i was not doing this well when i met her. and i told her i have two kids right off the bat. cuz the way i figure it is if she cant accept that then i dont need her. your children are the biggest part of your life, atleast they should be. so you have no reason to hide it. dont let a charming good looking girl scare you into not telling them. because if shes is serious about you then she will understand that these are your flesh and blood. and no matter what they will come before her. it needs to be a point made first thing. dont cram it down her throat and be subtle about it. but also make sure she knows that you love your children and nothing she says or does will ever change that. my woman accepted this right away and it meant alot to me. and now we are two years strong and shes grown so attached tp my kids. shes treats them as if they were her own. She loves them very much. and when they go back to their mother she gives them a hung and kiss and tells them that she loves them. and at the same time she makes sure that her affection isnt an attempt to override teh feelings they hve for their mother. it is a very complicated situation but once you find that right girl that will accept you and everything that comes with u. you will find that its a relationship that is somthing to be proud of. And as far as being seperated, i understand its tough but women need to understand a divorce is not easy nor is it cheap. Being married on paper only serves no emotional attachment and my woman understand that when it gets done it will get done. i dont love my ex wife and she knows this. if she cant understand that then it will cause problems in your life and you dont need to be focusing your attention on a problematic relationship you need to focus it on your children and your career. im speaking from person experience and i hope it helps you. but yes definately tell her right away and explain your situation in a sublte yet firm manner.
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Samantha
Honesty.... just be honest....
Some women out there don't have problems with guys who have children. You just havn't found her yet.
Always be honest though...
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Samantha
Look honey, its not the fact that you have children. Most women are not afraid to be with a man with kids, most of us have some of our own. Its the fact that there isn't closure to you and your wifes break. Theres no guarantee to a woman that might be interested in you, that you won't get back with your wife if theres no divorce. I mean theres no guarantees in life period, but theres less of a chance after you've paid for a divorce. What you need to do is be honest about your break up right away! And add in there somewhere the steps your taking to finalize. As women, we need to know these things. If you are getting a divorce, explain that. Also talk about what the plans are for the kids, is there going to be a custody battle?, or is that taken care of? And most of all be honest about what you still feel for your wife, don't lie! If you still love her, say that! Don't bash her. After all she is the mother of your children and us women look at how you talk about her as a reference to what kind of man you are. As for the kids, yes you should bring that up immediately also, but trust me thats not why these ladies are running for the hills. Hope this was helpful! and goodluck!
Reply
Friday 09 January
By B
I agree that it is your marital status and not the fact you have kids. I am a single parent and I tell people right up front I have 2 children, and in my experience most of them have been up front with me about having kids. However I did have a guy tell me he was not yet divoreced they were only seperated and that was the end of my seeing him. I told him when the got divorced if he wanted to try again then to look me up.
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Mama
The "We're separated but just haven't gotten around to getting a divorce yet" is a no-no. You are legally still married. Be honest about that, too. I met plenty of men in your shoes when I was single and I didn't stick around to see if they ever did get divorced. I dated one for a long time and he was always meaning to get divorced, but never got around to it. That is a huge waste of time and energy. So until you are legally free & clear, don't even put yourself on the market.
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Kara
I wouldn't at all be scared off by a man saying he had children. What would scare me is dealing with the woman who mothered them. Even if she initiated the breakup of the relationship, she's still going to resent the woman who lives with her kids and makes love to the man who is their father.
What I think you would need to do to keep a woman you like from jumping ship right away is to make it clear that your relationship with the ex is definitely over and will be ending in a finite divorce. That way at least the new woman will know that you won't be conflicted about your feelings for your ex or cheat on her with the ex. If you two really hit it off and romance blossoms, she will want to know that she is the lady in your life, not some phantom ex hanging over her head all of the time.
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Ana
You should most say something maybe the next day or over dinner and dont start with "how you react if I told you" That just leads to an immediate "OMG" not good!! My husband told me he had 2 girls over dinner 3 days after we met and I myself had kids and he know but he could not find himself to tell me so when he said I have something to say it was just so much easier to take in then the " what would you say if " any women(and ladies any men) who is really interested in you should know you have a package and its one you cant do with out and if they dont understand then its not worth the time to explain or even try to work out, its not like your asking them to take care of your responsibity just to accept you with it!! Good Luck
Reply
Friday 09 January
By Mrs. JCS
This is the last thing you should hide from women. Most women out there know already if they are willing to date a "father" or if they choose to be with someone without kids... It may just be me, but this is the NUMBER 1 deal breaker. Trying to use someone's feelings against them in hopes that it works out for you may be the reason you are once again trying to find another mate.. your selfishness seems to shine through... If you want to increase your chances at finding a partner I would advise first getting divorced, second learning more about yourself and why the relationship that was good enough to bring children into but not worth the effort to work out (unless she was cheating and then enough said) and third know that you are only worth what you put out there and most women would rather have an honest father type than a childless jerk.
Reply
Thursday 15 January
By peachx13
You are so right on that one. I'm still unhappy even a year after starting the relationship, he has the kid and didn't tell me til after the feelings happened. Now its more complicated. Me personally, I kept myself from having kids and marrying until I find that 'one' just so that there are no complications, but it seems that I will never win in this current relationship. Especially because I come after the kid, his mom, grandma, the gym... I honestly think that a guy who never loved someone unconditionally before he had children will never be able to really feel like that for someone after. I love him, but I think we would have been better had I met him before children. Oh well. Now its just a matter of whether I choose to tie myself down.
Saturday 10 January
By christine
KIDS ARE AWSOME!!!! Be a proud parent and let your lady friends know.
I think that should be told up front.... Even before the first date...
PS.. I would date you.
Reply