We don't know about you, but "arranged marriage" makes us think of Shakespeare characters or old Bollywood movies. It seems outdated and totally out of place in the Western world, right? Maybe not. The book "First Comes Marriage" counters the perception of such unions. They're still commonplace in some Eastern cultures and among some members of those cultures who are now second- and third-generation Americans. Author Reva Seth, who was born to an arranged Indian couple, thinks arranged marriages have a place in the West.
Surprising Stats on Who's Doing It
Seth interviewed 300 women in arranged marriages from the U.S., the U.K. and Canada. And get this: In addition to being educated and career-oriented, most of them say they're actually happy. And, according to Seth -- who didn't have an arranged marriage but became engaged to her hubby after seven dates -- negotiated nuptials have about a 7 percent divorce rate, way lower than the 40 to 45 percent rate among U.S. unions.
To read more about why arranged marriages just might work, click here.
To be sure, arranged marriages are not forced marriages. Blame mainstream culture for that misinterpretation. Actually, Seth says the only positive television portrayal she found on arranged marriage was of Apu the Kwik-E-Mart clerk on The Simpsons (D-oh!). So scratch that image of Romeo and Juliet from your head.
(Read more about Reva Seth's rules for love -- and how they worked for her -- below)
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The author says using some of the planning aspects of arranged marriage can help anyone find a suitable life partner. Her rationale: Most of the people you chat up at the bar aren't marriage material. Yet women have fallen into a pattern of waiting to meet their Prince Charming there. (And then there's that term Prince Charming itself, which is also rubbish.)She says the modern-marriage ideal of a finding the perfect, romantic partner isn't realistic. "Growing up with the myth of rescue is an influence -- the idea that somewhere out there is our Mr. Right, and one day he will just fall into our lives and 'fix' everything that frustrates us, from the job we feel stuck in to the rent that needs to be paid," she told Lemondrop.
Make Your Own Arranged Marriage
Seth advises women to be more proactive and to arm themselves with a checklist of qualities they truly covet. Doing so, she says, can keep women from dating the same duds over and over. It's sort of like how you approach buying a house -- if you want a wrap-around porch and a big back yard, only look at place with those qualities, and and never settle for less. In her book, Seth helps readers do this with her "Seven Secrets" concept.
"The power of a 'marriage musts' list is that it helps you realize that unless you plan ahead, the men you date and hook up with can never end up being the men you marry. Recognizing the pattern of falling for the cute bad boy at the pub is the first step to breaking it." Since hooking up is often based on sheer lust, many women go for guys they're attracted to -- not necessarily compatible with. But it's compatibility that keeps people together over time.
Yes, that means considering partners who you aren't totally lusting for right away. "One women said, 'The difference [between arranged and Western marriages] is that a love marriage is like a boiling pot that cools down over time, while an arranged marriage is like a cold pot that gradually comes to a boil,'" says Seth. "This idea that couples become increasingly intimate and attracted over time seemed to apply to many of the women I spoke with."
It Worked for Her
After doing dozens of interviews, Seth realized that she could make better choices in her own dating life -- about who she was dating and how she was going about it. With her new standard in tow, she quickly realized that her now-husband was the one, and the two were engaged on their seventh date.
"It wasn't love (or lust) at first sight," she writes in the book. "It was actually the result of both of us having figured out what we were looking for in a partner, being at the same life stage, recognizing that the other person had the potential to have the qualities we wanted and then, as my husband describes it, 'exchanging over a hundred thousand words on e-mail' to confirm it."
The two have now been married for over four years and have a son.
Another Vote for Re-Thinking Love
Is Seth onto something? Maybe, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist in California. "I believe relationship decisions should be made from the neck up as well as from the neck down. Re-adopting some arranged marriage attitudes would help do this."
Of course, if you're not itching to slip into a wedding gown just yet, having some old-fashioned romps is still OK. But Dr. Tessina cautions against getting frisky too soon with a potential mate. "Having sex too soon clouds your judgment and makes it difficult to make an intelligent choice of partner," she says.
To read an excerpt of "First Comes Marriage," click here.
Tell us: Would you consider looking for a partner this way?
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Wednesday 19 November
By skip
I met my wife of 31.5 years after two dates. maybe i am the lucky one, but the instant i saw her i knew that we were destined to be with each other for life, despite my problems./
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Wednesday 19 November
By Ron
I agree with the author that arranged marriages can more likely then not have a happy ending. It worked for centuries, why shouldn't it now, especially in the world we live in. I have elderly family members that came from arranged marrieages, and i can't see them happier.
Tuesday 18 November
By DMAN30260
notice the lack of comments?????,
unfortunately... and as usual.... people of western cultures and/or ideas are usually limited to their own societal thoughts; and as result have mostly negative responses "per television and popular thought" for things they do not know much about.
when a positive light and in depth study is performed on an idea such as this; you find shock and silence..... then the quiet MOVING on.
just a reminder.... even in the biblical story of adam and eve, they were an arranged marriage. think about it...
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Tuesday 18 November
By Mary T
That's nothing, me and my husband were married after 1 month.
We've now been married 26 years.
Reply
Tuesday 18 November
By SKW
This sounds less like arranged marriages and more like making a friend before dating him or her. Like an online dating service without the online part.
Reply
Tuesday 18 November
By Ruffian is Great
My husband and I got engaged on our first date. We met on facebook when I sent him an advertisement, he wrote me back. We chatted online for 1 week, then spoke on the phone for 1 week, then met and got engaged the same day. We married 3 months later and have now been married for 2 1/2 years. Most of our friends have similiar stories, because we are chasidic jews. You go on a date with someone a few times and then get engaged. Its because we don't have physical relations until we are married, not even holding hands. My husband and I both had secular upbringings, I didn't become religious until I was 23, I went out with many men before then. But when you recognize what your values are, and you meet someone who holds the same way, why waste time? I didn't tell him I loved him until the last time I saw him before our wedding. Love grows over time, I think today people have it the wrong way.
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Wednesday 19 November
By nadia
Same with my husband and I. We are muslims and we got "set up" We also don't have sex till after marriage and were married after 6 weeks of going out with others in groups. But they were real dates and it was refreshing to know he wanted to marry me, not get into my pants or waste my time like my friends had experienced. It saves alot of heartache. He also is cream of the crop as they say. with a ph d and great income. But beyond that he is gentle and kind and a great husband and father. This is what i like about our culture and faith. It was not forced and the elders do all the hard work for you. If you don't like him, you just say no and move on to the next introduction.
Monday 24 November
By single mom
I also became orthodox, and went through the whole religious dating system. That's how I found my husband.... who turned out to have anxiety and depression (which he was able to cover up for the couple of hours we spent together over the course of 5 weeks), has major control issues, was emotionally abusive, and sometimes physically as well, and if that's not enough... he's gay! And since we never touched till the wedding night, there was absolutely no way of me detecting that. So now I'm 24 years old with a 6 month old baby, never finished my college education because I put it on hold to study in Israel, and without a get. And unfortunately, I'm not the only one with this story... in fact there are a descent number of them and even more situations like this where the couples stay married because the wife doesn't know how to get out.
I'm not saying that the system never works.... but we can't be oblivious to problems that exist, and because a lot of ppl. don't talk about it, we think that a lot more marriages are happier then they really are.
Just some food for thought
Wednesday 19 November
By Sharon
loved your post....it's true.....true love comes with time.......
Saturday 10 January
By Jen
That is seriously crazy, but in an awesome way. I have a huge amount of respect for people like you. I don't think it would work for me, but who knows?
I once heard someone in an arranged marriage say that people who marry first get to experience the romance of getting to know your love for the rest of your life, unlike people who do the romance thing first. I don't exactly agree with that, but I could see their point.
Wednesday 19 November
By nadia
My husband and I got engaged right away too. We are muslims and did not have physical contact till the day we were maried, 6 weeks after we met. We both were ready. Our parents introduced us. It was easy for me because he was intelligent, with a doctoral degree, had a good job, an educator, and was from a good family with a good reputation. He wanted to marry and so did I . I did not "love him" right away but it came soon after because he was kind and gentle and mature. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i did not go through hardships like my american friends did. It has been 13 years now.
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Tuesday 18 November
By Whitted
I did not date this and at one time thought it was quite crazy! But I have to say Ruffian it sounds like it's starting to work for alot of people
Reply
Thursday 20 November
By Single Dad
I am a single male parent. I have been actively dating for about 5 years now. The fact is most women are not looking for relationships. There are many women looking for a weekend, or a roll in the hay. Many women claiming that they are not looking for the ‘bad boy” yet that’s the only man they will date.
Over the past few years I have dated on the net, in bars and other means with little success. I can recall this one girl breaking up with me after 3 months because I was too Romantic. Another one dropped me for being nice.
I recall this radio show where women called in and told them that men are afraid to date educated, successful woman and were afraid to commit to someone. I called in and told them that men are looking and women are not. So they had me come in and be on the show I was fixed up on air with 3 women. The first one stood me up, the second one spent the whole date on her blackberry chatting and the third one’s husband objected.
So when you ask about arranged marriages. I think it’s a wonderful idea. No games, no player, just two people ready to make a commitment.
Reply
Tuesday 18 November
By Maggie
Wow, I wish I could apologize on behalf of those women. Please, single dad, don't give up! There really are a few of us still out there looking for a "good man." (though I won't disagree with you; many of us, including myself, still need some help recognizing what that looks like).
Tuesday 18 November
By SingleMom
Where are you? I have been dating and can only find serial daters. Men around here cringe the sound of smart woman who wants a serious relationship.
Tuesday 18 November
By shawna
I think you have got to be physically attracted to someone first. That is what starts everything off. If there is no attraction why waste your time?
Then you have to have chemistry with that person.
I want a great romantic guy that is attractive, that is motivated and driven.
Not some guy that is just romantic I want the entire package.
Stability, romance ,passion, and the list goes on. How are you going to know if yu are sexually compatible with someone you know nothing about. I don't understand.
Tuesday 18 November
By Pamela M.
I was married after 6 weeks of dating, my husband suppose to me in three weeks. He just swept me off my feet, with door opening, flowers, very romatic. It we great for the first 8 years, but now is very bad. DONT know why he went through so much trouble.
I have been married for 16 years and for the last 5 years have been awful, we are now separted and I will never go back to him. It was alot of verbal abuse and mental abuse and he is very controling. I need hope, because if this my 3rd marrage and very confused about men and how they think. I went to couseling for the last 3 years and dec, 29th of last year, I just gave up, my husband would not go to couseling. I am attractive women, work hard, romatic and from the old school, look up to your husband. But now I am a changed women and will never go back to that kind of thinking.
Wednesday 19 November
By Esther
It's a shame that there are women out there like that making it hard for the other women that are looking for a decent, caring,educated, sweet and romantic man. I'm a single mom after 16 years of what I thought and everyone else did, a good, happy, loving marriage. Turns out he was only using me to get to where he wanted to be career wise and a coworker of his (my friend) was trying out different men till she found one just like herself (so she could dump her husband of 16 years). I'm a very affectinate, loving, caring person. My ex-husband can even testify to that. There aren't many of us left. What does that say for the future, to our kids? It's scary.
Tuesday 18 November
By January
:) I think it's a great idea! Romantic is never a bad thing - email me :) bluecri@aol.com
Tuesday 18 November
By Nice Girl
Dear Single Dad: You say you go to bars and surf the net looking for women. Surfing the net, going to a chatroom or to an online dating site, that is essentially the virtual equivalent of going to a bar.
No wonder you are meeting the wrong kind of women if you are looking for them this way!! You are looking in all the wrong places!
Join a group at your church or temple, take an evening class at the local college, take a pottery class, go to the gym and be a regular in yoga, go to your professional association and attend lectures regularly. Join an outdoors club where you learn a new activity or regularly engage in one you like with a group of people. These are the places where you will meet people you have things in common with.
That's how you meet people who like you for who you are. Not at the bars!