Lemondrop

Everyone's moving on with their lives and I'm still back in school. What am I going to do?

I feel for you. I really do. It must be agonizing -- stuck in limbo between pretend adulthood and real adulthood, pining for a sense of accomplishment in academia and yet unable to break immature, irresponsible habits. Procrastination's an awful vice, isn't it? Sigh.

The way I see it, you have three options. You could lock yourself in your bedroom, dwell on your completely meaningless existence and periodically break into heart-wrenching sobs while incoherently crying, "I'm such a loser!" over and over again until your tears burn away all uncertainty.

Or, you could isolate yourself from all of those pesky, successful friends and only associate with like-minded wastes of life who will continue to validate your sloth. Together, you and your new posse of misfits could not go to class, turn papers in late, switch from major to major and drink away your mediocrity at the cheapest happy hour. It would be a whole new world.

Or, better yet, you can just quit school altogether! I mean, clearly education is not your forte, so you may as well just forget about it. You can get a nice, low-skilled government job -- like a toll collector. I hear it's very lucrative. And you'd get a pension.

Oh, I almost forgot. There is a fourth option. Get yourself together and graduate from school. Commit to a major (News flash: It doesn't have to be the "perfect" choice, as long as you make one); study once in a while; turn in a paper from time to time; oh, I don't know, maybe go to class.

I know, I know, this is quite a rigorous schedule. Only kids in China are worked harder in school! But really, if you just put in some effort, not only will you be on par with your friends (who can then hook you up with jobs, since they're already plugged in), but you might actually learn something. And then you won't have to ask any more annoying questions.

Got a personal problem that requires some tough love? Leave it in the comments or e-mail us.