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| Not Campaigning to Focus on Finance Reform. Obama's just jeal: Putting things off is the new decisiveness, and multi-tasking is for temps. McCain's move puts the "pro" in procrastination. | Campaign Finance Reform. Candidates have raised over $1 billion in campaign dollars during a plummeting economy; clearly the reforms have worked. Over it. |
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| Chewing out Lindsay Lohan for Being out of the Closet. As long as you're living under God's roof, you aren't getting gay married, young lady! Lindsay's dad's religious rancor is totes the now. | Clay Aiken Being in the Closet. His announcement shook the world. Oh, wait. No, it didn't. |
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| Adorable Rare Baby Rhinos. The new "it" beast is endangered, in captivity AND super cute, all without the benefit of a fuzzy belly. Take that, lemurs. | Cannibal Polar Bears. Look, everyone gets hungry. But if you don't stop eating each other, we won't save your habitat; we'll have you arrested. |
