Lemondrop

When I first moved in with Adam, years ago, we had a lot to discover about each other. We'd been dating a while and certain that we were familiar with the ways and words of one another. But, of course, you never fully know someone until you've lived with them in their habitat and faced their everyday habits, their ups and downs.

One of the quirks I've discovered since I first moved in with my husband is that he absolutely will not follow product instructions. Sure, the companies who release the products pay mega bucks to have the instructions written. Mountains of research are put into the instructions so they can be followed. But to my husband, the instructions are merely superfluous pieces of paper shoved into the product packaging.

Sadly, his failure to follow directions has gotten us lost on long road trips, dropped us off in the most voracious of ghettos, and even resulted in the loss of his eyebrows, his arm hair and his dignity

Click here to find out what happens when Adam makes his own rules.




Boom!
His favorite product to not follow instructions with was our outdoor grill. Like most things attached to a large propane tank, our grill is quite flammable, which is why the instructions have to be followed properly. Unbeknownst to my husband, they were not written to hinder his happiness or freedom. They were written to keep him from getting blown up.

One sunny day as I was peeling vegetables in the kitchen, I heard an explosive boom. Immediately, I knew that Adam had attempted to light the grill. I ran outside, greeted by the aroma of burned hair. There he stood -- less his eyebrows, arm hair, some chest hair and his dignity.

"Did you follow the instructions?" I asked, trying not to laugh -- which was very difficult, as you will know if you ever have to resist laughing at an eyebrowless man.

"No, I just do what I always do when I light the grill."
"What you always do to the grill gets you blown up, you mean?"
"Well, the igniter wasn't working. So I held the lighter to it."
"You held an open flame near the propane tank?" I asked.
"Yes."

With that, I headed inside for safety. There was no need to lecture him about following instructions or not holding flames up to gas-filled tanks. Walking around without his body hair was convincing enough. Obviously, I am the grill lighter in our house now.

Wrong Turn
Two summers ago, we were traveling in a large city. We had detailed instructions from an online mapping program. Suddenly, Adam decided that he knew a shortcut. He had never been to that particular city, and sure, we were nearing the area that everyone had told us to avoid because it was quite dangerous. But he was certain that he knew his way around.

Within minutes, we drove right into what my grandmother would have called "the streets." At that point, he ran every stop sign until we got out of the area and back onto the map's actual route.

While those were extreme examples of what happens when my husband refuses to follow directions, the everyday results are equally humorous, even though he's genuinely a smart guy. Still, he continues to do it, and I won't ever understand. So I've decided to love him anyway.