Lemondrop

Nobody has benefits anymore, so we're offering up the one resource we all have: other people's mothers. Each week a staff mom (nurse, guidance counselor, lawyer and shrink) will answer one of your questions. This week, it's psych Q&A with Paula's Mom the Shrink.

Going home to visit my parents is always a disaster. I feel guilty when I don't go, but when I do, I get stressed out, fight with them and don't have any fun. What should I do?

Paula's Mom says:
"There's a sort of allergy to parents that tends to set in while you're establishing an adult life and identity. As much as you're drawn to the connection, there's a need to separate yourself from their influence and assert your independence. When you're back under their roof, this need, combined with the tendency to slip back into old roles (parent = boss; you = rebellious teen) can create a pretty uncomfortable environment.

"Can you change the location of your next visit? Invite them to your home (but let them stay at a hotel if possible), where you have pieces of your adult identity. Or arrange a trip to neutral territory, with separate sleeping accommodations. Some of the best family vacations happen when people have their own places to retreat to and only get together at certain times of the day. If you must go home, consider staying with a friend or limiting the length of your visit. Having a third party around can also help remind everyone of the current reality and prevent you from reverting too far into old roles."

Paula's Mom the Shrink, MD, has a private practice in Minneapolis, where she offers both therapy and medication. She's a past president of the Minnesota Psychiatric Association and enjoys knitting, bird watching and yoga.

Tell us! Do you have a health question? Need career or legal help? Got a psychiatric quandary (who doesn't)? Put it in the comments, or e-mail editors@lemondrop.com, and we'll send it to our moms.